My Playground
by Mari Grem
Summary: Remus Lupin looked around the classroom, so many, many memories. One-shot based in Harry's thrid year. Songfic Please review!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the song, it's Madonna's 'My PLayground'.**

**A/N: REPOST! I love reposting, so much fun! Puh Leez review, the lack of reviews are killing me -Cole**

* * *

Remus Lupin stood quietly in the front of the room. It had been so long, too long, since he had last seen this room. So many, many people that once learned and studied here were dead. So many people who had played here, learned here, grew up here, were gone. There was nothing left of those golden years when he, Sirius, James, and Peter would roam the castle, playing pranks on the Slytherins and hexing anyone who got in their way. This used to be Remus' home, his playground, his life. This was the only place he had ever experienced friendship, love, happiness. This was his home, his dream.

But that was over now. He once came here for friendship, but all of his friends were gone now. They were taken from him by death, or mistakes, or by their own stupidity. He knew it was over, he knew he would never be the same. He knew they were never coming back, that things would never be the same. But he wouldn't let go, he couldn't let go. Why did it have to end?

_This used to be my playground used to be  
This used to be my childhood dream  
This used to be the place I ran to  
Whenever I was in need  
Of a friend  
Why did it have to end  
And why do they always say_

Dumbledore had warned him, all those years ago when James had died and Sirius was imprisoned and Peter got away, or died as Remus had suspected. Dumbledore had warned him not to look back. To let go and hold his head high. It had been so hard at first, Remus wanted to give up on life, on everything. James, Sirius, and Peter were gone. Hestia Jones, Remus' only girlfriend, the only girl to ever love him besides his mother, was an Aurora, who had given up on him after his first attempt at taking his life.

And now, now it was even harder. Sirius had escaped, he had escaped and he was said to be coming after Harry. Remus wouldn't allow it, he couldn't allow it. Harry was the next generation of Marauders. Remus couldn't ask Dumbledore why there wasn't tighter security around the castle, he didn't want to know. There was something fishy, something strange, and Dumbledore knew. But Remus didn't, and he didn't want to know.

_Don't look back  
Keep your head held high  
Don't ask them why  
_

Remus felt old, dead, useless. He had lost everything close to him besides Harry, and he had barely spoken to the kid yet. It felt as if only yesterday he had been cradling Harry in his arms, as if only last week was graduation, and last month he had met the other three members of the Marauders. Instead, it had been twelve years since Harry's birth, eighteen years since the graduation, and twenty-five since he had first met the Marauders. Remus felt old, so old. He lived, thrived, in the past. His breath came from his memories and his life force from his lost love. Dumbledore had asked him, warned him, not to live in the past, to let go, but that was just too much.

_Because life is short  
And before you know  
You're feeling old  
And your heart is breaking  
Don't hold on to the past  
Well that's too much to ask  
_

Remus glanced around the classroom again. He noticed the hole in the wall. The hole caused by Sirius in their fourth year. His gaze went to the stain on the opposite wall caused by James and Peter in sixth year while they were play-hexing in the center of the class. Something had gone wrong with Peter's wand and it had caused a green stain. The glance turned to the rip in the curtain on the left side of the room, caused by James and Lily in their seventh year, the day before they started going out.

This used to be Remus' sanctuary, the place where everything went right. Sure, there was some sadness, but the happiness used to overshadow it. This was where Remus always had a friend, and now all of them were gone.

_This used to be my playground used to be  
This used to be my childhood dream  
This used to be the place I ran to  
Whenever I was in need  
Of a friend  
Why did it have to end  
And why do they always say_

Remus had grown up since James' death. Everything was different now. Life, time, was a cruel teacher, and Remus had much to learn. The most important thing he learned was heartbreak. Hestia leaving him was the second worst thing to ever happen to him, the first being James' death.

Remus remembered his and Hestia's romance. How she had been when they met, fell in love, when she found out about his 'problem', and when they first said 'I love you.' They were so careless then, never thinking that their love may end so soon.

But it had, it had and Remus spent so many nights thinking about it. The flame, the desire for her was still strong with in him. He still loved her with all of his heart, and he was afraid she would never come back to him. He would never stop loving her. Never. But she may never return to him, why did she have to leave? Why did he have to be so stupid?

_Live and learn  
Well the years they flew  
And we never knew  
We were foolish then  
We would never tire  
And that little fire  
Is still alive in me  
It will never go away  
Can't say goodbye to yesterday can't say goodbye_

Remus sat down in the empty teacher's chair, his chair. The students would be here tomorrow, and everything would be different. But for tonight he could simply watch the room, remembering everything. All the joy, love, happiness, and sorrow. He could remember when he could always find someone here who cared, someone who gave a damn about his happiness. But that was all gone now, they were all gone now.

_  
This used to be my playground used to be  
This used to be my childhood dream  
This used to be the place I ran to  
Whenever I was in need  
Of a friend  
Why did it have to end  
And why do they always say  
_

Remus had no regrets when he thought of his school days. No regrets but two. The first being that they didn't last longer, and the second being that not even Hestia was still here with him. She was alive and free yet she was not with him. She had all the justifications in the world, he hated himself and the world after James' death. He didn't blame Hestia, he blamed himself. He just wished she was here, regretted that she wasn't.

_No regrets  
But I wish that you  
Were here with me_

Remus took another look around the room, and suddenly, images appeared. There was James and Lily sitting next to each other, secretly holding hands. Sirius doodling helplessly on his scroll, most likely bored out of whatever mind he had left. Remus and Hestia also holding hands under the table while Peter wrote a note to his girlfriend in Hufflepuff. Snape, the younger Snape, was in the back surrounded by other Slytherins including Bellatrix and Malfoy. It was a mirage, images, shadows of the past, but Remus looked on with happiness, and these were his friends, his enemies, and his life.

But slowly the images disappeared, and Remus watched as they went. They were simply a trick of his imagination. They were memories shown before his very eyes. But now they were gone, and so here he was, trying to rid them from his mind.

But he never could say goodbye, never could let go, and never could stop believing that he would have a happy ending.

_  
Well then there's hope yet  
I can see your face  
In our secret place  
You're not just a memory  
Say goodbye to yesterday the dream  
Those are words I'll never say I'll never say  
_  
Hogwarts used to be perfect. There were friends, and foes, and happiness. This was where everyone had a home, where no one could feel all alone. Where home troubles, and parental hatred were forgotten. This was Remus' pride and joy. And no matter how many years had past, the memories, the happiness, could not be destroyed, only over shadowed with grief.

_This used to be my playground used to be  
This used to be our pride and joy  
This used to be the place we ran to  
That no one in the world could dare destroy  
_  
This used to be the safe haven, where everyone was excepted; where even people like he and Peter could be best friends with the popular kids. This used to be the perfect place, the place where dreams come true. If only they were here, his friends, his brothers, his family. If only they were reminiscing too.

_This used to be our playground used to be  
This used to be our childhood dream  
This used to be the place we ran to  
I wish you were standing here with me_  
Remus ran out the door and into the hall. He crept down the secret passage way behind the witch hump and read the names written on the wall. They were written in never dieing ink in the color of the writer's eyes. James' name was signed in hazel, Sirius' in grey. Remus' in dark, dark brown while Peter's was in black. This used to be their hiding place, where no one could find them. This used to be the one place they could be completely alone in.

_This used to be our playground used to be  
This used to be our great escape  
This used to be the place we ran to  
This used to be our secret hiding place  
_  
Remus returned to his classroom and sat down in his chair. The tears fell silently down his face. This used to be his home, they used to be his family. Life was once perfect, as long as he was in Hogwarts, nothing had hurt him.

They always say the best things in life are free. And they're right. The best things Remus ever recieved were love and friendship, both which were given freely, both which cost so much.

_This used to be our playground used to be  
This used to be our childhood dream  
This used to be the place we ran to  
The best things in life are always free  
Wishing you were here with me_

This used to be his playground, this used to be his childhood dream.


End file.
